


Stuck In A Moment

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-07-23
Packaged: 2018-05-18 15:43:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5933803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter from Hagrid forces Remus to remember a past he's tried so hard to put behind him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stuck In A Moment

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

  
_Oh love, look at you now_

You've got yourself stuck in a moment

__

And you can't get out of it

__

\-- U2, "Stuck in a Moment"

The owl carrying the letter from Hagrid arrived on a Monday, and Remus opened it immediately, briefly scanning the words before dropping the letter onto the weathered surface of the table with shaking hands. It took him three days to rally the courage necessary to walk to the cupboard and find the boxes that he needed. He carried the boxes into the kitchen and set them on the table, walking away from them as soon as that was done, and it was another day before he could bear to open them, lifting a handful of the pictures inside out and placing them on the table in front of him.

He sighed heavily, running a hand over his face. Remus glanced down at the pile in front of him, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he lifted the picture on top. An eleven-year old Peter waved at him from the photograph while James and Sirius wrestled about on the floor. For his part, the eleven-year old Remus was half- shrouded in shadows as if trying to disappear from the picture all together. Their first night at Hogwarts, and they weren't entirely comfortable with each other, yet. Of course, Remus noted, his smile spreading slightly, I didn't exactly open up to them.

+++++++++++

"You all right, there?" a voice asked as Remus wrapped his robe tighter around him, trying to hold off the rain-induced chill. He glanced around, locating the source of the voice leaning against the banister, and as he brushed a piece of wet hair out of his eyes, Remus nodded.

"I'm fine," he stated, glancing back at the large, imposing doors in front of the gathering of first-years. The dark-haired boy who'd spoken stepped up next to him.

"Which house do you expect to be in?" he asked, glancing at Remus, "I'm hoping for Gryffindor, myself, although I suppose Ravenclaw wouldn't be so bad." He smiled widely. "Anything but Slytherin, really."

Remus blinked, then asked, "Why not Slytherin?" He already knew the answer, of course; everyone from a decent wizard family knew why one wouldn't want to be in Slytherin.

"Why?" the boy repeated, studying Remus, "Because everyone knows that anything evil, vile, or disgusting ends up in Slytherin." Which is where I'll be, Remus added in his own thoughts, They wouldn't put me anywhere else. Wouldn't want the werewolf associating with the good children. "How about you?" the boy asked, turning back to the doors, "Where do you want to be?"

"Oh, I don't know," Remus muttered, glancing down at the floor. "I hadn't thought about it. Probably Ravenclaw, though." Before Remus could continue, another boy joined them.

"Sirius! There you are!" he exclaimed, brushing past a small group of girls who glared at him.

"Honestly, James, where else would I be?" the first boy, Sirius, stated with a roll of his eyes, "Of course if you hadn't be making time with the red-haired girl...." he trailed off with a grin, indicating the small girl at the back of the group with his chin.

"Making time with--" James began, smacking Sirius on the arm, "I was just telling her how the paintings moved. She's muggle-born and didn't know what to do when the portrait waved at her." He shook his head, turning slightly and noticing Remus for the first time. "Oh, hello. James Potter," he stated holding out his hand. Remus glanced down at it before shaking it.

"Remus Lupin," he replied. James smiled at him.

"I suppose he," James gestured at Sirius, "held an entire conversation with you without once mentioning his name, didn't he?" Sirius merely rolled his eyes again in response, holding out his own hand.

"Sirius Black." Before anything else could be said between the three of them, the woman who had introduced herself as Professor McGonagall returned and ushered them toward the doors, which swung open by themselves, revealing the huge room filled with both student and teachers. As they were led down the path between two of the tables, Remus caught sight of the stool and the battered hat that rested on it, and his mouth went dry, already dreading his own turn under the hat.

He barely heard McGonagall as she explained the process and began calling out the names, although he did notice that Sirius got his wish and ended up in Gryffindor, as did the small red-haired girl. When the professor called out "Lupin, Remus!", he didn't move, staring at her with fear plainly on his face. He took a tentative step toward the stool, and as he moved closer to it, he found the gaze of the Headmaster on him. Dumbledore nodded slightly, offering an encouraging smile as Remus reached the stool. Remus barely had time to get comfortable before the hat was placed on his head and a rough voice filled his mind.

"Ah, yes, Lupin. I remember your father, Romulus; he was an ideal Ravenclaw, indeed. Hmmm, and what about you, young Mr. Lupin? Yes....yes, a bright mind, very bright. You, too, would be an honor to Ravenclaw, but what's this?" The hat was silent for a moment, and Remus's eyes feel shut, certain that any second the hat would call out Slytherin and everyone in school would know that something was wrong with him. "Ah, yes, a werewolf, and one so young at that. To deal with that curse and the prejudice surrounding it will be very difficult, indeed. Therefore, it'd better be...." Remus's eyes were still screwed shut and his mind, so ready to hear Slytherin, barely recognized the Sorting Hat's voice when it shouted "Gryffindor!" His eyes flew open and a grin spread across his face as the hat was pulled away and he caught sight of the table of Gryffindor's all applauding loudly. He practically ran to the table, half-afraid that he was going to be called back and told that the hat had obviously made a mistake, but he managed to take a seat next to Sirius without anyone ordering him to the Slytherin table instead.

Later that night after the Gryffindor first-years had been rounded out by James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, and the entire house had retired to the common room, the four first-year boys sat around discussing the upcoming year. Rather, Sirius, James, and Peter discussed it, while Remus tried to blend into the background, hoping no one would notice him. That plan had gone out the window as soon as the red-haired girl, Lily, walked over to them, holding a Muggle camera.

"Would you mind posing? I wanted to send my mum and dad a picture of everyone in my House," she said, smiling at them, and Remus suddenly found himself the object of focus for four pairs of eyes.

"All right," he whispered.

+++++++++++

From the moment on, Sirius and James had adopted Remus, trying to bring him out of himself, and it had worked. Within a month, the four of them had become close friends. Not that Remus associated with much of anyone outside of the close circle. Of course, his monthly disappearances did little to further any outside friendships, and had very nearly destroyed things between the few friends he did have.

Remus sighed again, placing the picture off to the side, debating on whether to send it to Hagrid or not. Hagrid wanted pictures of Harry's parents, not, Remus was certain, pictures of people that Harry could care less about. He thumbed through the pictures, searching for the signature red of Lily's hair. He found none, though, and created a pile for the useless pictures. He closed his eyes briefly before rising to his feet and heading to the stove to make tea. As the water began to heat, he glanced back down into the box of pictures and his gaze caught on a little flash of red. He reached in, pulling the picture out from under several others.

The picture hadn't been enchanted to move, so the image was static, but Remus's breath caught when he recognized it. The one day that he had been dreading since the moment he'd arrived at Hogwarts -- the day Sirius, James, and Peter had discovered he was a werewolf.

+++++++++++

Every muscle ached as Remus moved slowly down the hallway, and he absently moved his right hand down his left arm, tracing the new scars that were the reminders of the previous night's struggle with his beast.

"Three more staircases," he muttered, mentally trying to focus on the distance to Gryffindor Tower in order to ignore the pain that Madame Pomfrey couldn't soothe away. "Three more staircases and then, fifty- one stairs to the dorm, ten steps to my bed."

"Remus!" James's over-excited voice called out from above him, and Remus glanced up to see James, Sirius, and Peter hurrying down the stairs towards him. He straightened slightly, trying not to look like he'd just been walking hunched over.

"Good morning," he greeted, attempting a smile when the group reached him, but he failed miserably, causing Sirius to look at him strangely.

"We weren't expecting you back this soon," James stated, "But you're just in time for the match." Ah, Remus remembered, the Gryffindor versus Slytherin match. James's first match as Chaser. "We were all heading down to the pitch."

"We want to get good seats," Peter stated, nodding slightly.

"Of course," Remus said, smiling apologetically, "I-I don't think I'll make it, though, what with Mum being ill all night. I didn't get any sleep."

"You sure?" James asked, concern in his voice overpowering his excitement over the match.

"Positive." None of the three moved, and Remus made an impatient gesture with his hand. "Go on, then. I'll be fine," he said just as a crowd of people passed them, apparently heading for the match as well. "You'd better hurry or there won't be any seats left. Do try and win, though, James, otherwise, we'll never hear the end of it from Slytherin," he ordered with a small smile. James nodded, grinning in return.

"We'll tell you all about it when we get back," Peter stated, patting Remus on the arm in passing, "Won't we, Sirius?" Sirius didn't say anything; he merely cocked his head, studying Remus. "Sirius?"

"Go on. I want to make sure that Remus is okay," Sirius finally replied, never taking his eyes off of Remus.

"There's no need, Sirius," Remus stated softly. "I'm perfectly fine."

"Go on, James. I'll make it down before the match," Sirius stated, turning slightly to James. "Promise." James nodded and ushered Peter down the stairs. Remus studied Sirius silently before turning and going in the opposite direction. "Remus," Sirius called out as Remus was halfway up the stairs. Remus stopped and turned around to face him. "I need to ask you something."

"This really isn't the place," Remus muttered, turning and going the rest of the way up to the next landing. He heard Sirius's heavy footsteps behind him as his friend reached the landing as well.

"Remus, it's important," Sirius muttered in reply.

"Please, Sirius, I just want to sleep. Just...just go to the match."

"Remus," Sirius stated, touching Remus's arm. "Please."

"What, Sirius?" Remus asked, his eyes flashing. "What is so bloody important?"

"I just...." He trailed off, chewing on his lower lip, as if trying to think of something to say. "I just wanted to know how your mum was?" Remus sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"She's fine, Sirius. Feeling much better, in fact." He blinked, leaning back against the railing.

"Are you sure? I mean, y-you have to go to her every month," Sirius whispered. Remus turned and studied him.

"Yes, Sirius. My mother is quite well," he stated.

"Remus, is your mother...." Sirius took a deep breath, "Is she a werewolf?" Remus's eyes narrowed in confusion then he burst out laughing. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "It's an honest question, you know. I mean, she's always sick at the full moon, and I just got to wondering."

"No, my mother is not a werewolf," Remus replied, quieting his laughter.

"Oh," Sirius said, sighing. "That's good then." He studied Remus, causing the other boy to make a mental check, but Remus was certain that none of his scars showed from under his robe. Most were on his upper arms and legs, with a few on his chest and back, but none that would be visible to Sirius. "Are you?" Sirius finally asked, and Remus's breath caught at that, his eyes falling shut.

They stood in silence for a moment before Remus finally replied, "And if I am?" He opened his eyes and carefully studied his friend's face, searching Sirius's eyes for the loathing and fear Remus had come to expect. Finding none, he let out the breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"Then I'd ask why you haven't told any of us by now," Sirius stated calmly.

+++++++++++

They told James and Peter later that night in the privacy of the boys' dormitory, and Peter had been the only one to show fear of any kind at Remus's confession, but with a little prodding from James and Sirius caused Peter to relent. They'd all promised to keep the secret, and nothing changed in the small group.

But, really, I'd been far too optimistic, Remus thought as the teakettle whistled. He removed the kettle from the fire and set about making his tea, trying to keep his mind off the memory at the back of his mind. However, that memory was insistent, and Remus nearly dropped the kettle as the sting of betrayal returned to his mind.

+++++++++++

He found him standing on the dock where the first-years usually arrived. Sirius was soaked, robe no longer keeping out the rain, and Remus knew that he'd been out there for hours. However, as he stepped onto the dock, his booted footsteps echoing on the wood, Remus found that he didn't care how long Sirius had been out there. Remus stopped walking when he was within speaking distance, studying Sirius through the sheets of rain. Sirius turned slightly as Remus stopped, and when he met Remus's eyes, his own were rimmed in red.

"Moony, I--" But Remus held up a silencing hand.

"Please, Sirius," Remus whispered, not sure if his words would really be heard over the rain, "Please, tell me that it's not true. Tell me I'm remembering it wrongly. Please." But Sirius remained quiet, and Remus knew the truth -- Sirius had sent Snape to shack to die at Remus's hands. "Why?" Remus muttered, turning and walking away before Sirius could answer, not wanting to hear how someone he cared about could care so little.


	2. Chapter Two

It had taken more than half of a year of Sirius pleading before Remus forgave him enough to call Sirius a friend again. I shouldn't have, Remus noted, He didn't deserve it, and maybe I could have spared myself the pain. Maybe I could have...could have saved James and Lily. Another voice, however, in the back of his mind countered his words, arguing that to have never forgiven him, that to let Sirius go would have resulted in more pain for reason Remus, at the time, hadn't understood. That and what few years of happiness that followed, those Remus would have hated to loose.

"Traitor," Remus whispered, staring at the concerned face of Sirius in the picture, but speaking more to the voice inside. He dropped the static image onto the discard pile, digging through the box of pictures again.

+++++++++++

"What are you saying?" Remus whispered, watching Sirius warily as he paced the room. He didn't want to be there, not alone with Sirius. Things hadn't been the same since the incident with Snape, and even though he may have said the words that absolved Sirius of his wrong doing after six months of penance, Remus wasn't sure he'd really forgiven him, and so it remained awkward.

"I'm saying that James and I have been working on this since we found out that you were a werewolf, Moony," Sirius replied.

"And you've actually done it. You've actually completed the transformation?"

"Well, sort of. I have, and James is almost there. I-I kind of had more time to practice, since...." Sirius trailed off, glancing over at Remus, who merely lowered his eyes, studying the design on the blanket in front of him. "But he's close, and we're both going to help Peter though it. It'll be great, you know."

"This...this is highly dangerous. I-I shouldn't support it. I should go to Dumbledore right now--"

"Moony, don't, please," Sirius whispered, walking over and sitting down across from Remus on the bed. "We're doing this for you. We want...I don't want you to have to be alone on those nights anymore. It's not fair."

"And if you get hurt? If I get loose and someone else gets hurt? My God, Sirius, did you three even think this through?" Remus snapped.

"What's there to think about, Moony? You won't hurt us, not if we're in animal form, and all three of us will make sure that you don't...we'll keep you safe. I promise," Sirius whispered.

"This is the stupidest and most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for me," Remus replied, rising to his feet. Sirius's eyes narrowed at that before the words sank in, and he grinned. Against his better judgment, Remus grinned in return.

"It'll be great, Moony. You'll see," Sirius stated.

+++++++++++

Remus shook his head, clearing away all thoughts of the day that he'd truly forgiven Sirius for the prank, the day he'd first seen Sirius's animagus form, the day he'd started falling in love. It hadn't taken long really for what started as a crush that day to develop into something much, much larger, although it took the better part of the next two years for Remus to do anything about it.

Obviously I made a mistake, and I should have been...a better judge of character, Remus thought, sitting down in his chair again, resting his cup of tea next to the discard pile. He lifted another picture out of the box, and smiled as every seventh-year Gryffindor waved at him. He recognized the background -- the Leaving Feast, their last night in Hogwarts, the night his feelings for Sirius finally came to a head.

+++++++++++

"You got everything packed up, Moony?" Sirius asked, leaning against the bedpost. Remus glanced over his shoulder at him.

"Yep. All ready to go," he stated, his voice a little sad. "I can't really believe it's over."

"I know. It's surreal. Especially if you considered James and Lily's impending nuptials," Sirius said, sitting down on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees and propping his head up on his hands.

"'Impending nuptials'?" Remus repeated with a grin and a roll of his eyes. "James hasn't even gathered his courage enough to propose yet."

"Like Red'll say no? Please, Moony, you've seen the two of them together. It's sickening," Sirius said, returning Remus's grin.

"You're happy for them, you know it," Remus stated, latching his trunk, "We all are."

"I know. I just.... It's a bit disheartening to see the two of them and to not have someone...like that as well," Sirius stated softly. Remus swallowed heavily, sitting down next to his friend.

"Really? I hadn't noticed," Remus replied, with a small smile, "Although if it bothered you as much, why didn't you settle down with Livia or perhaps Belle from Ravenclaw, hmm? You seemed to like them well enough."

"Piffle. Just girls. Not my type," Sirius replied, falling back on the bed.

"And just what is your type, Padfoot?" Remus replied, smiling at Sirius over his shoulder as the other boy shrugged.

"Not them," he whispered, and Remus's breath caught as Sirius reached up and tugged lightly on Remus's hair. "Moony?"

"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus replied, his voice catching slightly.

"If I kissed you right now, what would you do?" The words were quiet and Remus had to struggle to hear them. His eyes closed briefly before he replied.

"There's no way of knowing how I will react," Remus stated, pausing as he felt Sirius rise up from his sprawled position, "Unless you do it." At that, Remus suddenly found Sirius's lips on his, and Remus moaned slightly, deepening the kiss. That moment really should have been awkward and clumsy and a thousand other things besides perfect. But it was. The right amount of pressure, the right amount of moisture....

The right person, a helpful voice in the back of his mind supplied.

+++++++++++

It turns out that James had proposed that same night and the wedding happened three months later. A small ceremony really, just a few friends. Lily's parents had died a couple of years before, and her sister had refused to attend. They'd celebrated long into the night, and in the end, Sirius and Remus had muttered their own commitment to each other that night. Not marriage, not exactly, but close. They'd been happy though, and a month later they learned that Lily was pregnant and they'd asked Sirius to be the child's godfather.

Remus blinked back tears, as the annoying ache of pain returned, and he set the picture down on the table. His eyes passed over the pictures, his gaze finally resting on one of him and James, a chessboard between them. A candid shot taken by Lily during one of her many bouts of photograph obsession. That had been the night that his relationship with Sirius had slipped out, and for the second time in his life, Remus had been terrified of losing a friend because of something he couldn't control.

+++++++++++

"Are you?" James asked, dropping his lean form into the chair across from Remus. Remus, in response, merely blinked in confusion before raising an eyebrow.

"Am I what?" Remus said, glancing down at the chessboard between them as the pieces arranged themselves for the game.

"Are you and Sirius, you know, you and Sirius?" Remus's eyebrow rose even higher.

"Yes. The last time I checked I was still Remus Lupin, and he was still Sirius Black. We are ourselves. Your point?" James rolled his eyes, before muttering at the chessboard, sending his pawn two spaces forward.

"Are you and Sirius together? Like me and Lily?" James asked as Remus countered by sending his knight forward.

"I can assure you that no one in the world is like you and Lily," Remus replied.

"If I wasn't the kind-natured man that I am, I would take offense to that," James said, moving another piece across the board. "And that doesn't answer my question."

"Well, your question is highly personal," Remus said, continuing the game, "And I feel the need to consider my answer."

"A simple yes or no will do, Lupin!" James replied, the harsh words betrayed by the growing grin on his face. "Or should I just accept silence as assent?"

"You assume too much," Remus stated, moving his queen forward to take James's knight. "What gave you the idea?"

"Pete. He says he saw you two in Diagon Alley holding hands," James said calmly, studying the board, considering his next move. Remus smiled slightly.

"We weren't holding hands," he stated. James glanced up, meeting his friend's eyes, the game momentarily forgotten. "Not exactly." His smile turned into a small smirk. "Peter probably saw us in Flourish & Blotts. Although how he could confuse +that+ with hand holding...." James held up a silencing hand.

"Please. When he told me, Pete could only manage a few incomprehensible vowel sounds and the words 'Sirius,' 'Remus,' and 'hands.'" James shrugged. "I assumed, and I don't need to know what really happened. I'll leave you that privacy."

"Oh, thanks ever so," Remus said, turning back to the chessboard. They sat in silence for a few seconds before James opened his mouth again.

"You love him?" Remus glanced back up, studying James quietly. The other man refused to meet Remus's eyes, glancing everywhere but across the table.

"James, look at me," Remus ordered softly, and James's eyes snapped up to meet his. "I do love him. Is that going to be a problem?" Remus made sure to keep his voice calm, trying not to betray any of the confusion and hurt he felt at the fact that his lifestyle choices might ruin a friendship. James was quiet.

"No, not at all," he finally said, before sending another of his pawns forward. "Your move," he muttered. Remus nodded, moving his piece. The two continued in silence for several minutes, moving their chess pieces, until James spoke again. "He hurts you, I'll kill him, okay?" Remus glanced up again, his throat dry.

"I...thank you, I think." James nodded, waving the words away with his hand. Remus swallowed. "I don't think that that will be a problem. I think he loves me too."

"Good, because he's my friend, and I kind of like him," James stated, returning his eyes to the board.

"Yeah," Remus replied, "I kind of like him too."

+++++++++++

Lily's overheard the news and had been ecstatic, immediately extracting a promise that Sirius and Remus would both come by for supper. Remus had promised, but they'd never fulfilled that promise. A week later Harry had been born, a month premature, and everyone from Lily to Peter was worried about the baby's chances of survival. Three months after that, Severus Snape had deserted Voldemort, bringing news that the Dark Lord wanted the Potters dead.

Everything after that was filled with lies most of the time. Remus was working with Dumbledore on contacting the numerous werewolves in the British Isles to try and keep them from heeding Voldemort's call. His mission was secretive, and he'd had to lie to his lover. Not that Sirius noticed. He was gone most of the time, disappearing in the middle of the night.

"I should have known. I should have told James and Lily that Sirius was missing for long periods of time. then they wouldn't have...and Peter would still be alive," Remus muttered to himself. He sighed again tossing the picture down. He searched the box again, his hand finally finding the one picture he could send to Hagrid. the only wedding picture to survive the destruction of the Potter House at Godric's hollow.

But as he watched Sirius grin and wave, one arm around James's shoulder, Remus faltered and briefly considered tossing that picture, along with the rest, into the fire and letting them burn. He knew, however, that that would not be fair to James or Lily or Harry. As much as he hated the smiling man in the picture in that moment, he wouldn't deny Harry the chance to know his parents. He couldn't do that to the boy.

Remus sighed again, rising to his feet, carrying the picture with him as he searched the kitchen for a spare piece of parchment. He found and scribbled a quick note to Hagrid on it, fastening the picture to it. He set it down on the counter, vowing to take it into town tomorrow. Tonight, however, Remus thought, pulling an unopened bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky out of the cupboard, I'm going to forget, if only for a while.

+++++++++++ End


End file.
